


Losing You

by mochilix



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Relationship, Heavy Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:07:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25948570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochilix/pseuds/mochilix
Summary: Hoseok wanted him to listen, but Hyungwon didn’t. Hyungwon wanted Hoseok to get hurt, the same way he did.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Hoseok | Wonho
Comments: 9
Kudos: 20





	1. the first time hurting

**Author's Note:**

> this is just a figment of my imagination. i do not wish to distort the reality and disrespect whatever Hoseok creates. 
> 
> also this is my first time writing here uwu  
> enjoy reading~

_31 October 2019_

Hoseok brushed his fingers over his lips. They were cold from the ac, or from the lack of oxygen in his system. But he felt so _different_ . Hoseok remembered that last night, he was choking up, having troubles with breathing as he clung on to Hyungwon for comfort. Hyungwon whispered sweet nothings in his ears last night. Hoseok remembered while crying on his shirt, Hyungwon said, “ _I’m always here, hyung,_ ” He kissed his forehead. “You got me till the end.” And Hoseok believed him. He cried, but he hoped he wouldn’t tomorrow. 

When he woke up, Hyungwon was still asleep beside him, his arms caging him into a hug. Carefully, Hoseok removed his arms from his waist, making sure Hyungwon wasn’t awake and got up. His eyes were puffy from crying too much, and he needed to put concealer on the dark bags under his eyes. He took a shower, put on his usual tee and a pair of jeans, and grabbed his phone from the dresser. Taking one last glance at Hyungwon, he went downstairs, hoping that he looked presentable. He was falling apart, but he hoped no one would notice. 

All of them were gathered in their living room and it was Kihyun who spoke. “You’re going to be okay, right?” Hoseok could hear the concern dripping from his syllables, but he deserved it no more. He didn’t deserve his concern when he was the one responsible for this. 

“They took your bag to the car,” Changkyun muttered. He was biting his lips too hard, but yet Hoseok saw him shaking. Hoseok nodded. 

Jooheon looked back, searching for the other guy but turned back at him when didn’t find any. “He….?” He trailed off.

“....” Hoseok kept quiet, chewing the inside of his cheeks to stop the tears. “He’s sleeping.” Then whispered, “Not _him_ , not right now.” Hoping they wouldn’t hear, but they did and he knew they did. Yet they stood there, tight-lipped, because even if everything was falling apart, they couldn’t do anything. Hoseok felt a pair of arms hug him from the back. He knew the cologne. “Minhyuk,” 

“ _Don’t go hyung_ ,” He said, his voice trembling. “Don’t leave today.” 

Hoseok almost laughed. It hurt. But he turned around facing the younger boy. “You know I can’t do that,” He ruffled his hair. “You know, right? I’m just one call away.” 

They had a group hug. And everything happened so fast for Hoseok. He was blinking, and his vision turned into a blur of city lights and the rush hour empty sounds. He was gone. The ones left behind, they just stood numb, because Hoseok wasn’t here anymore and no matter how many times they tell, he won’t be coming back here anymore. Hoseok was gone. 

* * *

_March 14 2020_

Hoseok was crying. Yes, he was hurt leaving Monsta X, but it felt as if a huge weight of everything had been lifted off his chest. His inbox was exploding with texts from everyone he knew and a thousand calls from his family. He cried while he spoke. Maybe everything will be better from now. Hoseok scrolled through the screen searching for that one name that should’ve appeared on first, and he went back again to the top to check if he missed. But it simply was not there. Hoseok wanted him to know that he was innocent after all, that all the drug abuse allegations against him were so utterly, completely wrong. He wanted him to know, that as long as he loved him, he wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt him. 

But the screen remained empty. He opened their text history, and all he found was his texts filling up most of the space, and the last one being on New Year’s. Hyungwon didn’t even text back to that. Hoseok felt his heart squeezing again. Why did it start hurting again? 

_After all, he was the only one in love_.

But he treasured their friendship as much as he treasured his sublimed feelings towards Hyungwon. It happened so easily now that he thought back to the time. It was as if his earlier days were on a vivid replay in his head and he couldn’t stop it. He started liking Hyungwon just as easy as water flows on a paper. It was fast, a spur of the moment but Hoseok knew what they meant to him. It hurt him at first, being scared and having feelings for the same gender was not something he experienced before. And he was terrified at first. But then, he was thankful to Jooheon for listening him out and making him understand that love was not just between a man and a woman. But it still hurt him. It hurt him knowing that he wasn’t wrong loving Hyungwon, but he couldn’t ever say it out loud. He just had to wait before they faded on their own. But it was a far fetched notion. All these days, Hoseok found himself falling in love, more than yesterday and longing for him. Nothing too much, just see him, Hyungwon as his friend–that’s the only identity he’d have between them, and just hug him. That’s all. Maybe it wasn’t much, but Hoseok knew how much he was hoping for when Hyungwon didn’t even text back.

* * *

_9 August 2020_

The past few months weren’t easy for him. He wasn’t hoping to sign a contract so soon, but guess things were meant to be that way. He signed an exclusive contract with HIGHLINE ENTERTAINMENT. Last few months, he wasn’t really talking to anyone. Except Kihyun being over-concerned about him, and Minhyuk always trying to liven up their texts, he wasn’t really talking to anyone. 

Kihyun told him how Hyungwon hadn’t mentioned his name even once, and he wasn’t talking to anyone. Like _anyone_. He just survived. It hurt Hoseok, because he was the same if not worse, and he was tired of hurting. He was tired of crying but he still cried, the nights when there was no Hyungwon to share his bed and no Hyunwoo to listen to their bickers, he cried. Listening to his own cries, only made him feel worse and pathetic. Because to him, he was the one who brought this upon himself. No matter how many times Kihyun told him or no matter how many times Minhyuk joked about it, it was still his fault. Some nights he wrote, drunk with soju, and most of the writings found their safe heaven in the bin. He cried while writing too, the songs he wrote for him, he wanted to scream it out to the world. But nothing was ever easy for him, he just learned to live with it. 

Hoseok straightened the tear stained paper, now dry. It looked awful, and messy everywhere but it was the best song he wrote last week. He wanted to scream it, and even if no one listened he hoped Hyungwon would because after all, he was the one he wrote for, his songs. 

They announced it

> _Love Synonym #1 : Right for me_

* * *

_14 August 2020_

His new single came out, marking his solo debut, as Lee Hoseok. Everyone loved it, the newspaper articles went crazy over his polished vocals and use of techniques. But there was hate too. One said he was crying “ _CGI tears''_ . He hated how they framed it, “ _Emotional solo debut, former MonstaX member shows off his vocal skills_.” They didn’t even bother to put on his name, like it was easy, searching it up and they had information in plenty. He knew it would be years till they stopped calling him “former MonstaX member”, because it hurt. Knowing that he could have still been a part of MonstaX, but he could only have the title of former member only hurt him more. 

He was grateful to the monbebes, they had somehow become his shield and no matter whatever people he didn’t really bothered anymore. What bothered him the most was obvious. It was him, again. All of them congratulated him, but Hyungwon. It irritated him. 

But he couldn’t wait forever. If it wasn’t Hyungwon, then it had to be him. Hoseok sucked in a breath and typed in. His fingers were heavy all of a sudden, but he didn’t stop before pressing the send button.

 _Are you okay_?


	2. hurting the second time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hoseok wanted everything to be okay, but it just got worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoseok is hurt again and i am too ㅠㅠ

_15 August 2020_

Hyungwon was barely surviving. He ate, slept and just the basic things he needed to do in order to stay alive. He didn’t talk to anyone, and neither did he go out. He just remained in his shared room with Shownu and Jooheon and kept to himself. He remembered how Hoseok came to him every night, and clung to him, crying and asking him to lie that it’ll be okay. And he did lie, that it was going to be okay, that no matter what he was going to be there for him.

The next day, he was not there. He thought maybe he went out, maybe he went for a walk to the studio but he never came back. Hyungwon waited thinking that he might come back, but in the end he didn’t. 

He didn’t want to, but the feeling of hatred was growing stronger in him each second. Hyungwon promised to be there for him, Hoseok didn’t tell him anything about leaving. Hyungwon looked up to him, his most admirable hyung. He took pride in the fact that Hoseok shared everything with, that he went to none but him when crying. It gave him an odd sense of satisfaction having the attention of his hyung. He wanted it to be that way. Hoseok being the older one, yet still coming back to him because he knew he’d comfort him. Hyungwon didn’t know what happened. 

And then he got a text. 

_Are you okay?_

Hyungwon wanted to laugh. _Okay?_ Hoseok was cruel, asking him if he was okay when he was hurting like hell. Hyungwon only felt his hatred rise, and his chest tighten at the feeling. It hurt, how the person he looked up to now seemed like a person who disgusted him. He could only type in a reply,

_Let’s meet up in my apartment._

He needed to end this. 

* * *

_16 August 2020_

Hoseok was feeling relieved when he got a text back from Hyungwon. Maybe things would go right for once, and he could tell everything to him and sort things out. Of course he wouldn’t tell that he liked him, but at least he wanted him to know that the song he wrote or every song that he might write later, it will all be for him. It might come stronger than Hyungwon expected but Hoseok couldn’t wait any longer. If he had to do something, he might just do it, it might stop hurting.

After a fifteen minutes walk to his apartment, Hoseok presses the bell. He knew the lock code of course, he had been here before. But somehow after all these months, there was a thin line between them again, and no matter how much Hoseok tried to deny it, he knew it was there. Nervous, he was but restless too for finally meeting Hyungwon. Hyungwon opened the door, as if he was waiting for him and it sent a fuzzy feeling down his guts. _Hyungwon was waiting for him._

“ _Hyungwon_ ,” He started. Looking around, Hoseok noticed that nothing changed, yet he felt an unfamiliar coldness from the familiar place. “Are you doing okay?”

“ _Okay?_ ” It was as if Hyungwon was waiting for him to ask this, because he had a lot to say, stuck in his throat. “Yes, I’m very much _okay._ ” He laughed. Hoseok flinched. “I don’t understand this.”

Hoseok took a step back. “What do you me–”

“I do not understand _you_ anymore. Not sure if I want to,” Hyungwon continued. “What did you say? _Am I okay_? If I were not would you have stayed? If I were hurting would you stay and lie to me that it would be okay and you’re there for me?” Hyungwon slashed out, not giving the other a chance to breathe. “You wouldn’t. You _didn’t_.” He mocked. “But I did. When _you_ were hurt, I were too, but I did lie to you. I promised to stay, and you, what did you do? Left me like the coward you are. How pitiful.” 

Hoseok felt suffocated. The walls seemed to be closing down on him and he felt bile rise up to his throat. His eyes felt warm, and biting his lips wasn’t helping. Why did it start hurting again? 

“You’re such a coward Lee Hoseok. You used us.” Hyungwon cut through not bothering to use honorifics. “You used _me_ , you used this name. And look at you, all bright and famous. _Sweet._ You disgust me, hyung.” 

Hoseok wanted to die. He didn’t realise he was taking steps back and he hit the wall. His knuckles turned white from holding the hem of his shirt for too long. He wanted to say everything, but in the end he was left with nothing. “What I wrote—”

“Oh, your _solo debut_.” Hyungwon feigned innocence. “Kihyun might’ve played it once, I _hated_ it. Sorry hyung, I couldn’t help myself but you disgust me so much.”

Hoseok smiled. “ _Okay_. You’re okay.” 

“ _I’m okay_.” Hyungwon whispered firmly. 

“Thank you for always being there, Hyungwon. You saved me, in a lot of ways.” 

Then he was gone again. Hyungwon wanted to pull him back and wanted Hoseok to put up a fight, prove him that whatever he said, was all a lie. But Hoseok didn’t come back. Hyungwon should feel satisfied, since he hurt Hoseok the same way he hurt him, but he felt a throbbing pain coursing through his body. He was okay.

* * *

_16 August 2020_

_11:34 PM_

Hoseok didn’t realise how he reached home, he was feeling a bit tipsy from the soju he chugged at the club. The burn should numb him enough, but it still hurt. He stumbled to his apartment and didn’t mind showering when he fell flat on the floor. He laughed. How did things turn out this way? Was he the one at fault, like always? He wanted MonstaX to stay together, but did he fall apart while doing that? He didn’t want to, but the tears building up were rolling down his cheeks now, it burnt. His head was burning up, and he could thing of one thing. Stop the pain. 

**WARNING : SELF HARM**

[ _absolutely_ _do not read if it disturbs you_ ] 

Hoseok rummaged his pockets, and after a few tries, found the blade from his front one. Through blurred vision, he caressed the metal tip over his exposed arms. It was cold. At a certain point, he pressed deeper and watched how the corner sank through his skin and felt the metal ending penetrate him. Surprisingly, it wasn’t hurting at all. He swiped it over and a few splotches of blood were seeming to form over the cut. Hoseok bit his lips. He felt okay. He swiped the blade over a new place, this time forcefully to let the metal go deeper and cut deeper. It didn’t hurt. Four cuts and he was already feeling light. Yet he couldn’t stop the tears. He felt dizzy, and before he knew it, he was lying on the floor, unconscious.

**SELF HARM OVER**

* * *

_17 August 2020_

Hoseok woke up on the floor, his whole body burning up in fever. His arms were numb, and the blood was drying already, the cuts had turned purplish overnight. His head was heavy and he couldn’t move at all. Taking out his phone he dialed the number of his mangager. He picked up after the third ring. “Yes?” 

“I don’t think I’m coming for pre-recordings today,” Hoseok said lowly. His throat hurt as well. 

The other end was silent for a while and for a second, Hoseok was anxious. “Are you doing okay?” 

“Yeah, just a cold. I’ll be okay in a few days.” 

“Okay, then. Do you want me to buy you medicines on my way home?” He asked. 

“It’s fine. I have them at home, thank you.” 

“Fine. Take care of yourself and rest well.” And he hung up. 

Hoseok sighed. He didn’t have any medicine at all. He just didn’t want to add another burden, his manager was already doing a lot. Hoseok scrolled through his contacts. It only left him with one option. 

“Hyung? Are you doing okay? Do you need me to come over?” Kihyun was rambling as soon as he got on the line. Hoseok chuckled. 

“Yeah, I’m kinda….uh…tipsy? Like from last night? Umm..could you please bring some medicines for cold?” He seemed like a stranger asking for help. And he couldn’t help adding, “I’ll pay.” 

“Hyuuung,” Kihyun whined. “What’s this about paying? I’m coming over right now, and I’ll make you porridge. Just don’t move around I’ll be there.” Hoseok heard a shuffle before he hung up. He sighed, and closed his eyes. He just had to wait, Kihyun would be here soon. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please love hoseok ㅠㅠ


	3. sort things out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so ummm hyungwon is kinda mad? again??? but both of them are kinda right in their own perspectives so i kinda hate myself :”(

_ 17 August 2020 _

Hoseok was unconscious and burning up with fever by the time Kihyun reached his apartment. He was still sprawled on the floor and he never looked that terrible. Kihyun hurried towards him, and hauled him up. Hoseok was both–a couple inches taller and also more built than him, so it wasn’t really an easy task–carrying him to bed. But once he was lying on his bed, Kihyun undressed him, wiped off the sweat and put on a new pair of clothes. He was panting by the time he was over. 

“Aiiiish, hyung,” He whined, falling flat on the bed beside him. “You’re a real pain.” Hoseok was still half asleep, and half dizzy, smiling at his words. 

“Then go home,” Hoseok mumbled. “Don’t catch my cold.” 

“Who called me here?” Kihyun grumbled. “Just stay here, I’m coming in a while. And if you need anything just give a call I’m taking my phone. If you’re too weak to get up that is,” He pulled himself up, and stretched. “Also, you do have a kitchen right?” Hoseok nodded. Kihyun was off, probably going to make something for him. 

Once he was in the kitchen, he heaved a sigh. Of course, Hoseok had cut  _ again _ . Last time, it was when people had been spewing nonsense about him using drugs and whatever bullshit they could come up with. Everyone knew it, and with Hoseok’s lack of concern to cover up his marks, everyone knew whatever he did. They talked about it, once. Everyone except Hoseok. Hyunwoo and Changkyun said that they were going to support him if he needed them. Hyungwon said he’d help and Jooheon too. Minhyuk said that he’d comfort him if he needed it. Kihyun took the responsibility himself and talked to him first when Hoseok was alone. Hoseok kinda started denying at first, but it wasn’t really plausible when he tried to cover up. Kihyun tried to tell him that whatever thing was happening, it wasn’t his fault and that he’s not alone in this. Hoseok nodded then. Probably trying to get his head around the idea of not being alone. 

Jooheon talked to him as well, when Hoseok was developing feelings towards Hyungwon. Jooheon could understand, and being open minded enough, he was the one who understood what he was going through. Jooheon asked him to think—if whatever he was feeling was just a spur of the moment, or did he see a future with Hyungwon. Hoseok was lost then. Everything was a first for him and too early for him to think of the future. But somehow, later, Hyungwon had creeped up and occupied more space than he should’ve and whatever future Hoseok thought of, it always had him. Then again, Hoseok knew his limits and that Hyungwon will always be in his future, but as a friend. Just how they used to be. 

Kihyun picked up the phone when it vibrated in his hand. Hyungwon. 

“Where are you?”

“Out.”

“Figured. Where are you?”

“Uuuh….just taking care of Hoseok hyung.”

Kihyun heard the other end went off. “Uuuh hello?”

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“So bye then?”

“Bye.”

Hyungwon has been acting up lately. Yes, he had been kinda out of it for months like after Hoseok left, but lately, he was getting worse. He snapped whenever they brought up Hoseok, he refused to see Hoseok, or even call him. It was like both of them were avoiding each other, but they’re not really subtle about it. Maybe he would tell Hyunwoo about it, but maybe he’d talk to Changkyun before that. 

Kihyun left in the evening but not before saying how Hoseok just needed to call him and he’d be there before he could say Kihyun. He even called him for a trial, to have his name on top of his contacts. Hoseok thanked him, saying that he’d take him out once he got better. Kihyun made a face. 

Hyungwon was waiting for him when he came back. Kihyun sighed, whatever Hyungwon was waiting for, it wouldn’t be good. He tried to smile and just go to his room but Hyungwon stopped him. 

“Why did you go to him?”

Kihyun felt his patience crack. “He was sick, of course I went to him.”

“What, he’s not old enough to take care of himself?” Hyungwon chided. 

Kihyun was irritated. He didn’t understand how Hyungwon, Hoseok’s so-called best dongsaeng could change so much in a few days. “And I don’t need  _ your _ permission to go see my hyung, do I?” 

“And you definitely don’t need to see someone who doesn’t belong with us.” Hyungwon looked disgusted, and it almost scared Kihyun. 

“I don’t need  _ you _ to tell me that.” He ended, rushing to his room before Hyungwon could say anymore.

* * *

_ 18 August 2020 _

Hoseok felt much better when he woke up, but the cold was still there, and his nose felt fuzzy. He wasn’t having any schedule for the day, and decided to go out. Even though it was nice outside, Hoseok picked his long sleeved shirt, covering almost everything–at least the things he needed to cover. 

Walking aimlessly along the street, Hoseok wondered if he could be one of these people hurrying their way to the other side of the road. They wouldn’t notice who he was, or cared if he walked hand in hand with a guy or a girl. They wouldn’t know, because he would just be Hoseok, just a Lee Hoseok of Sanbon-dong. 

Hoseok sighed. He felt weak, and the dizziness hadn't completely disappeared. He still had fits of a nauseating feeling which prevented him from walking any further and he’d have to hold on to something for it to go away. Eventually he went back home, with unstable steps just wanting to sleep. 

Hyunwoo was scrolling through their recent schedules when Hyungwon came in, irritated. 

“You okay?” Hyunwoo asked, looking up from his tablet. 

“Can we…” He thought for a while and Hyunwoo raised his eyebrows. “Can we not associate with Hoseok hyung anymore?” 

Hyunwoo fell silent. It was odd. For Hyungwon to say a thing like staying away from Hoseok was something he never expected. They saw it, how Hyungwon obsessed over Hoseok and Hoseok being his centre of vision kinda enjoyed it. It was like they weren’t sure of things but they’re willing to try. Then out of the blue, Hyungwon came and asked him to maintain a distance between them. 

“Why?” Hyunwoo questioned. 

Hyungwon looked confused, and annoyed too. “What  _ why _ ? He doesn’t belong with us anymore. Even though he’s still under Starship, it’s not Monsta X anymore. So why do we need to talk to someone who left m–  _ us _ , in the first place?” 

Hyunwoo understood. When Hoseok left, he didn’t want to face Hyungwon and maybe because of this reason. Hyunwoo understood it all, from Hyungwon trying to keep hold of his sanity and him almost breaking but not completely so because he too, had been hurt. Hyungwon wasn’t mad that Hoseok is going solo but he was mad that it was still under Starship and Hyungwon was frustrated that if Starship, why not them? It made him furious that even under Starship, Hoseok chose himself instead of them. 

“But he’s still our Hoseok isn’t he? Him pursuing his solo career doesn’t change who he is.” Hyunwoo tried to reason with him. But Hyungwon only felt more irritated than when he came in. He shut up, and with a tight lipped smile directed at Hyunwoo, toppled on his bed. 

Hyunwoo sighed. “Just…” Even though Hyungwon wasn’t facing him he knew he was listening. Hyunwoo kinda figured that Hyungwon wanted someone–Hoseok, to prove him wrong, but Hoseok was too scared to do it alone. And as a leader, that’s where he came in. “That fucker thought that we’d be okay if he left.” He laughed bitterly. “He thought we’d stay together if he fell apart.” 

“But you won’t let him do that would you, Hyungwon?” Hyunwoo asked, knowing yet again that the latter wouldn’t bother answering. But he knew Hyungwon would replay his words for a second time that night. And that was enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, please love them ㅠㅠ


	4. you before me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idk what i did issa mess

_ 19 August 2020 _

_ 1:21 PM  _

Hyungwon felt himself at a dead end. He couldn’t go back to when Hoseok had a huge part in his life, and not ahead either where he needed to make it that way again. He was restless, because hating someone when that someone was Hoseok was harder than he realised. But since he can’t go back, he might just try to go ahead. 

Hyungwon chewed the inside of his cheeks, and searched up. “Wonho’s schedule.” He felt weird, like he was prying into things he should not, but he did anyway. 

He clicked one which looked clear and precise enough to understand and scanned through the dates. Hoseok wasn’t really packed up these days, with schedules like pre-recordings, he was almost free. Hyungwon wondered if Hoseok would yell at him if he went to his apartment. Highline and Starship weren’t that different; even though they had different studios, Hoseok still had to come to their building for the pre-recordings. 

He looked through the timeline, and obviously, a fan tweet had Hoseok and a link that would redirect him to the “Losing You” MV. Hyungwon wondered if he would give it a listen or just assume it as disgusting. But then, it made him feel uncomfortable, what Hyunwoo said. He didn’t understand him or whatever Hoseok did. He didn’t understand at all. What did he mean by fall part? Hoseok hurt him, and he shouldn’t be hurting. He didn’t even tell him before leaving. Why should he think of Hoseok when he didn’t? 

Maybe it was pity, or maybe Hyungwon wanted to understand Hoseok but he clicked the link, redirecting him to the MV. 

* * *

Hyungwon didn’t want to cry. It was pathetic, really. He knew Hoseok was a coward, a disgusting, pathetic coward and he wanted to hate him. The thought of him sickened him. But then again, Hyungwon felt he wasn’t any different. Both of them were running in circles, and wondering if they’re getting hurt alone, and hoping that it would be okay if they’re hurt alone. But in the end, they’re both getting hurt.

Hyungwon wanted to see him. It was as sudden as it came, because these last few days, all he wanted to just never see him again. He hated himself for listening to the song, he hated himself for taking every syllable he uttered as a promise made to him, he hated everything. He hated how he tried to understand Hoseok and right now, he wanted to see him, it was maybe he was riled up by sudden emotions, but god damn, he felt like he needed Hoseok just like a summer needed the rain. 

Hyungwon got up. Hoseok had his first pre recording at three and if he was fast enough, he’d reach before time. 

* * *

_ 2:13 PM  _

The ac was acting up again, and Hoseok had to shut it down. He called up the nearest centre and they’d be coming soon. Hoseok waited. It was humid, and after the ac shut down, the room was hotter, Hoseok felt the sweat forming around his neck. He had a pre recording at three, and if they’re not fast enough, he might be late. 

The bell rang after a few minutes, Hoseok scrambled up, reaching for the lock and didn’t really notice the person. “Yes, I’m Lee Hoseok, the ac hasn’t bee–”. Of course Hoseok shut up. 

Hyungwon didn’t wait for permission, he barged into his apartment like he was always welcome there, and sat down on the floor. “It’s the same,” he mumbled. Hoseok stood at the doorway, still too confounded to move. 

“They don’t give you a room at the building?” Hyungwon made a face, probably expressing pity. 

Hoseok seemed to have found his voice back and came in. “I didn’t take one. Instead I came back here.” He didn’t know why Hyungwon was here. But he hoped that his heart would calm down, because even though he disgusted Hyungwon, his future still had a blur of him. 

“You’re weird.” Hyungwon said. “Uhhh…,” He trailed off, not less awkward than Hoseok and avoided his eyes. Well, Hoseok did the same. 

“Can we talk?” Hyungwon managed after a while of stuttering incoherent syllables. 

“I wouldn’t, but you can.” Hoseok said. He didn’t want to make Hyungwon mad again, they were already breaking apart, he didn’t have anything to lose. 

“Okay.” Hyungwon wondered if apologising would be as easy as saying an okay. He couldn’t form the words. _Sorry for what I said?_ That’s too vague. _Sorry that I hurt you?_ But Hoseok hurt him too. 

“ _I’m sorry_.” Hyungwon wondered if he said it out loud. Then he looked up. Hoseok was gazing at the floor, fumbling with his fingers and saying sorry. Wasn’t he going to say that? “I’m sorry.” Hoseok whispered again. 

Hyungwon could make out when Hoseok cried. He had seen a crying Hoseok way too many times to not understand what he did before crying. Hoseok bit his lips. Hoseok’s hands were either scraping the skin of his thumb or they were clasped in a frenzy on his shirt. And obviously, Hoseok never met his eyes. Hyungwon, for a second, waited for Hoseok to just come to him because that’s what he always did, but it was gone as soon as it came. It wasn’t always anymore. 

And Hoseok was crying again. 

Hyungwon didn’t know how to stop him, because like always, Hoseok didn’t come to him now. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Hyungwon felt the familiar lump throbbing at his throat. 

“If you’re so sorry, why did you leave?” Hyungwon asked, not caring if his voice cracked in the end. “Are you that selfish? Why did you choose yourself when you could’ve chosen us?” Hyungwon gulped. He wasn’t scared anymore. “When you could’ve chosen  _ me _ ?” 

Hoseok met his eyes for the first time. Hyungwon wanted to pull him in, and tell him that he was right there, because Hoseok never looked like that. _Ever_. 

“I chose  _ you _ .” Hoseok cried. “It’s because I chose you before me that I couldn’t go back, you understand right?” 

“What on earth are you talking about? How does your brain process this?” Hyungwon took a step forward. 

“It’s okay if I fall apart,” Hoseok smiled, but it only hurt Hyungwon. “It’s okay, because I’d rather lose myself than you.” 

Hyungwon didn’t know if he was thinking anymore. He had Hoseok in his arms, his face buried in his chest and crying on his shirt. He felt the familiar drops of tears soak through the fabric but he didn’t let go. Hyungwon let his arms wrap around his hyung, one threaded through his locks and another placed on his back. It was okay, because he wasn’t scared anymore. It was warm, and Hyungwon believed it was because Hoseok’s ac wasn’t really working. It wasn’t because Hoseok was with him again, and it wasn’t because Hoseok still cried for him. 

Hyungwon knew what it meant when he pulled him in. He knew that, if it wasn’t Hoseok it wasn’t him either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what about the ac though? i kinda missed when the person supposed to fix the ac actually comes and sees them in a compromising position :3

**Author's Note:**

> please support Hoseok and MonstaX in everything they do and ever decision they take. they deserve all the love out there ㅠㅠ


End file.
